I said to a coworker, “How are you?” and he said, “Good, how are you?” and I said, “Good, how are you?” because I don’t know how conversation works.

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I think Congress should pass a new law: You can't bomb a country unless you can find it on an unlabeled map

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I scream, you scream, we all scream. welcome to primal scream therapy.

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[at roller rink] My fanny pack contains 237 marbles, in case I need to create a diversion.

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Sorry my shitpost got in your eyes, spread to your brain and made you feel funny.

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