I play poker with a bunch of friends once a month. Modest stakes but not nothing. One guy has started to wear sunglasses to be more inscrutable. I tried to tell him I can see his cards reflected in them but he got angry so I've shut up about it. And call nearly all his bluffs.

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I manoeuvred someone who worked for me down the redundancy route, as he often wrote "would/could/should of" in reports and emails. Got him out with under two years' service too, so no redundancy cost either. Should of done it even sooner.

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Once you've got grown up kids, any holiday with your partner should alternate one day together, one day apart otherwise what the fuck have you got to talk about in the evening?

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Remodeled our bathroom, and when I took the new toilet out of the box I licked inside the bowl because how often do you get to do that.

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"I never got along with my dad. Kids used to come up to me and say, 'My dad can beat up your dad.' I'd say 'Yeah? When?'" - Bill Hicks

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