I am cancelling my appearance this afternoon at Heritage Valley Shopping Center. Unfortunately, I threw out my back yesterday trying to lift a baby. In my defense, he was quite a chubby baby. He is recovering and is listed in stable condition.

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If you tank a lethal injection you should be free to go

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Steven Colbert is working with Peter Jackson on a Tom Bombadil based movie.

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My neighbor told me Larry the Cat keeps eating his Prime Ministers so I asked how many PMs he has and he said he just goes to the House of Lords and gets a new PM afterwards so I said it sounds like he’s just feeding Prime Ministers to Larry the Cat and then his king started crying

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Back in 1988, I was managing a small shop. It got staked out by the local flying squad, who'd had a tip-off there was going to be an armed robbery. … After the *second* stake out in one month I quit my job (and went back to uni so I could quit the entire profession: pharmacist).

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