Palladium hexafluoroacetylacetonate has three possible crystal structures: its gamma form is much longer than its alpha form, building up mechanical tension when heated until abruptly snapping from one to the other. A similar mechanism underlies golem pseudo-musculature.

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But there’s like, 1-2 weeks while im re-acclimating to meds where it’s uneven because chemistry shakeup but it’s like “whoah nelly, wow, that was fucked up, we see it clearly in here, good golly the contrast, nope nope nope do not want that” and that clarity is what I wanna hold on to

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But the further away from “feeling at my worst” I get, the more my brain forgets “how bad it really is”, and starts sliding the “you’re a fake, you’re a liar, you…” into the mix (which is wrong!) and the simple method of “being cool and awesome” doesn’t make it go away.

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Importantly: therapy has helped a lot, and I do not WANT to feel miserable, I do not ENJOY suffering/making others suffer (outside like, consensual RPG settings, fiction, you know), and it doesn’t “feel good when I feel bad”, there’s no perverse “ah yes, good, I am punished” hyper Puritanism anymore

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Yeah like without getting dangerously vulnerable or personal, between brain chemistry fucked up, brain damage, and psyche trauma, I’ve gotten wired such that if I feel “good” or even “okay” for too long it turns into a rancid, toxic turbo impostor syndrome complex kind of bad deal.

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