Saw a white van at the supermarket with a large UK flag saying "if this flag offends you I'll help you pack". Momentarily thought they meant they'd help at the till to show that some flag shaggers can behave decently. Then realised what the owner really meant and they're a cunt.

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Anyone who eats margarine may as well drink Castrol GTX.

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No doubt hoping for number 2 in the all-bum charts. No, you shut up.

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I know that you lot will mock me for it, but I had a happy evening by myself eating pizza dipped in black coffee and listening to Coldplay on repeat through my hi-fi. Yes I'm almost 50 and can find happiness where others only find misery.

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I had a fess published a few years ago about how I couldn't connect with my lifelong pals cos all they wanted to do was booze and take coke. I told them how I felt, turned out they thought the same and now we climb Munro's on Sundays. Lads, talk to your pals.

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