It was when I was arranging to meet someone and said "I'll be in a silver Audi" and not "a silver car" that I realised I had become a cunt

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Hale and Pace had a song on their TV show in the nineties called "You're Never Going To Get This Song Out Of Your Head." 30+ years later, and they were right. Fucking twats.

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My brother is a competitive salsa dancer so I got to spend a good part of my childhood getting dragged around watching him dance. I started pretending that everyone dancing was desperate for a piss and it made it infinitely more enjoyable. Try it next time Strictly is on.

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When I was younger I could literally use my piss stream as a powerful jet wash. I could have probably cleaned your driveway if I could hold that much liquid in me. My jet-powered piss stream is the thing I miss the most about getting old.

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The husband is very forgetful. I found his socks in the fridge. He'd taken them off after coming home and took a drink from the fridge and forgot his socks in there. What do I do with this guy?

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