If I see weird looking headlights I flip off first and worry if it’s a cybertruck later

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30 percent of Americans are against [squints at notes] the Pope urging peace

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(guy who’s never heard of hantavirus) every cruise ship passenger should be shot

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I like FBI Directors with prior experience in law enforcement but WITHOUT their own personalized branded bourbon. #CallMeOldFashoined

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If I were a magician I would reveal all my secrets and then kill myself

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