I believe at the exact moment I could be learning how a Victorian failure to understand Buddhism could supercharge my bank account, I will instead by watching Jed the dog begin his ghoulish transformation into the Thing. And that's Ok.

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There's a part of me that would genuinely like to go, if only out of morbid curiosity, but unfortunately I'm going to be watching Horror movies for 24-hours straight when it happens, so ah well.

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But my absolute favourite, the one that absolutely floored me, is a talk titled "Amplify Your Wealth: Releasing Money Blocks Through The Akashic Records" THE AKASHIC FUCKING RECORDS ARE GONNA MAKE ME RICH. I can't handle it. Sometimes it feels like everything on earth is a Prosperity Gospel grift.

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There's obviously the classics: the whitest person in the world listed as a "Shamanic Shadow Reader"; the one practising "Quantum Healing and Past Life Regression"; the "Miracle Molecule" of Shungite; oh, and apparently we have "Angelic" Reiki now - didn't realise they'd dropped the new DLC.

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Frank picked me up a flyer for a local Hallowe'en festival of new-agey, spiritually, woo stuff and... Goodness, it is something else. The word salad of of self-help, motivational speaking and occult terminology is so unhinged and the obvious grift is so potent that it's genuinely delightful to me.

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