I have an interview today at a job that I REALLY REALLY want 🙏🏻 if you’re the type to send energy out some good vibes my way would be much appreciated

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the day people understand the concept of being in a relationship in a platonic way is the day i know peace

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they should stop wasting so many resources advancing AI and put that energy towards creating a time machine so i can go back to whatever paleolithic civilization made this fuckin statue. i literally look like that so they would worship me as some kind of fertility goddess and that is what i deserve

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roast me all you like pete holmes. at the end of the day, you're still only tied with me as a 7th seed in boston dot com's best boston comedian tourney

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new make some noise tonight with these three bona fide silly billies! 🎺

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