The only pleasant radio accent is Received Pronunciation. All other accents grate.

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Once got irritated by an insect that kept flying in the house. Sent a text to my wife 'fuck daddy long legs' to which she replied 'oh yeah baby' - we've never discussed it.

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I told my wife I didn't want another dog after the grief from our last one dying. Truthfully I just can't be arsed with the other dog walkers anymore. Why is a dog an invitation for an inane chat? And no, I'm not his "dad".

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Whenever I dog sit my daughter's chocolate lab and he shits on his walk I make sure we go past the local Tory MPs house and it ends up in his manicured garden. Huge turds requiring two goes to get in the bag.

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On my morning dog walk, for weeks I've been playfully throwing crab apples at grey squirrels as they run along fences. Never been close apart from today when I nailed a good shot. Wasn't a squirrel but a lady's grey hair bobbing along the pathway at fence height. Ran off. Sorry.

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