On my morning dog walk, for weeks I've been playfully throwing crab apples at grey squirrels as they run along fences. Never been close apart from today when I nailed a good shot. Wasn't a squirrel but a lady's grey hair bobbing along the pathway at fence height. Ran off. Sorry.

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Once got irritated by an insect that kept flying in the house. Sent a text to my wife 'fuck daddy long legs' to which she replied 'oh yeah baby' - we've never discussed it.

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I'm back on @lbc.co.uk tonight again from 10pm to 1am...my last hurrah for this round of shows. Hope you can join me. Then next week, full midterm election coverage will be coming you way live from the US via all LBC programmes and platforms.

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My husband has convinced me that we should both leave the living room when our cat lies on his back and wanks himself. I don't mind giving him privacy but I'd like to know whether he wanks claws in or claws out.

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Whenever I dog sit my daughter's chocolate lab and he shits on his walk I make sure we go past the local Tory MPs house and it ends up in his manicured garden. Huge turds requiring two goes to get in the bag.

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