Assistant in a shop I was just in telling everyone who looks like a parent that all kids in Glasgow schools are being evacuated due to a bomb, people just abandoning items at the till to check phones 😟 I admit I did it myself, after paying for my lunch ofc. Priorities.

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It's me, I am the guy advising Sacha Baron Cohen to bring back Ali G in the year 2026. No I do not have a strategic end goal in mind, I just simply love to see a guy say heeeeearrr me nowww and am putting all my eggs in this particular basket

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My secret to a modestly active sex life while married is simple: being diligent and timely about domestic chores makes my lovely wife more amenable to any passes I make at her.

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When the kids were young, I'd do a slow mo run to the microwave, saying 'noooo' and stop it with one second to go, thus saving the entire planet from disintegration. They're all grown up now but when no-ones around, I still do it. You're welcome btw, me saving your lives.

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I put up a "beware of the dog" sign after we were burgled. Our Irish Wolfhound put her paws on the burglar's shoulders as he tried to get in through a forced window. She licked his face until he backed out again. Her tongue obscured his face, so the cops couldn't use the video.

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