I have changed the name of the Atlantic Ocean to the Fuck You Donald Trump Ocean. Please update your maps accordingly.

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I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The piñata is unscathed.

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very much considering pitching (threatening?) my editor to let me go to Mariner's opening day to write about the FRIED FOOD SOUVENIR FERRY VESSEL (i do not write about food)

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this is your mission. our pedophile president needs you to jump out of a helicopter to kidnap a head of state and his wife so some oil ceos can make a lot of money. we’ll be watching from a resort in florida that still serves wedge salad and checking how many retweets we get. good luck soldier

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this is not behavior becoming of a FIFA Peace Prize recipient.

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