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But if I slow down and think about it, if I question the thought, does it get any better? I don't know. It's.. difficult to slow down. This dumb thing runs at 37396 miles a minute and I'm barely keeping it together basically all the time. The meds help..

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This is not a thing I control, okae? I wish! I wish that was a conscious decision! But I'll look at a really nice piece of art, or a beautiful woman, or and my brain goes "well you can't do that" and the rest of me parrots it back automatically and that's nust WHO i am now.

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Like Ebenezer looking in on Scrimdas Past, completely unable to alter any outcomes. And I can't fix it. That habit is now so old, so ingrained, as much as I want to, it's automatic. I don't look at my art and then at someone else's and go "wow I'm shit and so is my art" no My brain does it for me.

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And you can't tell me anything otherwise cuz I've deluded myself over decades that what I see is reality and there is no other interpretation. And I can't fix it because I don't know anything different. Except I do *know* better, only it's not accessible to me.

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