The woman who moved in behind us cut down the boundary trees that were meant to remain there for privacy. One Sunday afternoon I flung a load of boiled potatoes over into her garden, not sure why. I might have been drunk, but god it felt good.

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Recently found out the guy I was seeing was married. I don't know how to contact his wife, but for some reason he's logged in to iplayer on my TV. Now every time I go out, I leave Mrs Brown's Boys playing - if that watch history doesn't tell her something's wrong, nothing will.

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Wife and I took the day off work, dropped our kids, 8yrs and 5yrs, off at school and took a trip to Alton Towers. Felt a little guilty but walked straight on to every ride with no wait and had a great day. Didn't tell the kids and we've already agreed to do it again next year.

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My mother died and my brother and I are preparing to sell her house. I'm the executor and need his help so I'm being very amicable and friendly. He doesn't know that when the estate is settled, I will rarely if ever speak to him again because he's an annoying bellend.

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-Fats Domino, Louis Armstrong. -They're dead. -They don't live anywhere.

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