I don't think I'm enjoying making friends in the fandom recently. People have been lying about who they are. Friends vanishing, just deciding to delete accounts and dissappear. Just...not getting along with others as well. It's been. Not great. I don't know if I changed or what.

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When friends make me feel bad. I have such a hard time telling if I'm overreacting or if they're not treating me properly. I don't know when it's healthy that I should stop being friends with a person or if it's me causing drama by wanting to be free of a situation that makes me feel uncomfortable.

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I have the capacity to learn so much more and get so much better, but Ive already made it beyond my wildest dreams. I just had to chase it. You're allowed to have and enjoy hobbies that feel like they come easy to you. It doesnt always have to be a struggle.

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For me the effort to payoff/serotonin ratio of DJing/mixing has been very even instead of being INCREDIBLY skewed like hobbies tend to be. Thats what makes it feel unearned. But it's all dealing with life up until now combined woth impostor syndrome. We're so used to getting kicked down.

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Today was a lot of fun. I like putting together music and playing it for people. I'm learning for sure and getting better. I'm dealing with a lot of impostor syndrome and other mental roadblocks but we getting there.

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