Do what’s right for yourself but be patient with yourself too. I’m sending you love and strength because it’s hard. I try to remember there are people who do and will love me better than he did, and they need my energy more than him (even if I can’t help it sometimes).

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I’m a stranger so I don’t want to overstep, but I also have struggled with similar questions about my father. It’s a long story, but my mother was sick and I grew up having to take care of her. Then, he fucked everything up and went to jail and dropped everything and more back on me again.

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It’d take me an hour to explain all the nuance but suffice to say I loved him, and he hurt me time and time again. I battle between abandoning him because of how much grief he’s caused and staying because I’m the only one left and because years ago he was once someone I trusted.

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I don’t think there’s an easy way to put this down. People are often flippant about cutting someone off and I get why. It’s probably the right thing to save yourself. But for me it’s always felt like cutting my leg off to save myself from the bear trap. I don’t know how to survive that injury yet.

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I lit candles today for my grandfather, great-grandmother Doris, great-grandmother Bibi, the baby I lost, relatives, and ancestors. 🕯️ 🕯️ 🕯️ May these candles bring warmth and love to those who are no longer with us.

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