I owe meeting my now-husband thanks to a cunt of a former neighbour. He used to fit bathrooms. Turned up early to my neighbour's, she refused to let him in because he was 30 minutes early. So I invited him into mine for a cup of tea for 30 minutes. We dated and later got married.

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I woke up this morning and found that my son had painted my nails with the acrylic paints I bought him for his Airfix bridge layer. My nails are now gunmetal and rust coloured. This'll be hard to explain down at the station.

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Our 9yr old periodically threatens to call Childline when he doesn't get his way on something; since he heard that founder Esther Rantzen died, we've told him it's now shut down.

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After grating, I always slice and devour the grated end off a block of cheese to maintain a perfect cuboid before putting it back in the fridge. Obsessive Cheese Disorder.

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When I make a cup of tea in the office kitchen I see how far away I can get while lobbing the spoon into the sink. Today I achieved both my furthest distance, near the window, , and also managed to knock the handle off a very ornate cricket-themed mug.

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